I'd like to take a moment to talk about a dangerous trend. A trend that threatens to destroy everything that is good and just and right about this country. A trend that could well topple our cultural hegemony and eliminate our last remaining shreds of dignity. I'm talking about the erosion of a precious national resource--calves.

I live in Los Angeles. I used to be a personal trainer. I don't say "curves" or "healthy" when I mean "fat." I am not, in any sense, a cheerleader for unreasonable jiggle. So trust me when I say that the world has gone completely crazy.

Exhibit 1: I'm at the gym, and a thin, fit woman turns to her moron trainer and says "I need to get rid of THESE." She then points in disgust to her calves, which are slightly more than a blip, but just slightly. The woman was running maybe 14-15 percent bodyfat, which, for those of you on the outside, is roughly the skinniest of The Pussycat Dolls. So not exactly beefy. The trainer responded with a "Sure, we can get rid of that. Don't worry. It's all about patience." No, you moron, it's about being able to point your toe.

Exhibit 2: Asian (particularly Korean) women are cutting their calf muscles and having to relearn to walk properly in order to have thinner, "more Caucasian" legs.

And what are the Caucasian legs they're looking for? A Vietnamese news site has, for reasons beyond the comprehension of any online translation service, provided us with all the answers we could ever need. Let's examine some of the lowlights:

* Angelina Jolie: Beautiful from the neck up, certainly, but her legs look malnourished.
* Cameron Diaz: Pretty woman, but her legs, while slightly closer to human, are still barely functional and not at all attractive.
* Kate Bosworth: Yes, she was once a babe in Blue Crush, but now she's all shriveled up and looks like a corpse.

I'm not unreasonable. I'm not looking for Rosie O'Donnell gladiator calves (no link there--you can find that on your own time, if the need strikes). Just something that says "I eat enough to be able to move." Like Lucy Liu or Jessica Biel or, I dunno, maybe 95 percent of the world that isn't living in hunger and abject poverty?

Please, people. Shave your heads. Get tattoos. Pop pills. Whatever. Just leave the calves alone. STEP AWAY FROM THE CALVES.